21
Oct

The Most Awesomest Candy!!! (Top 10 Awesome Candies)

The Most Awesomest Candy!!! – Halloween Candy Edition

I’ve always loved Halloween. Not because of the cool costumes or scary movies (though both are great) but because of the awesome candy. Most houses gave out the same crappy candy that you see all year round but ever since I was a kid I vowed to give out awesome, cool, crazy candy when I got older. You know, the kind that gets your house remembered by all the kids for being the “cool house” all year.

For me, as a kid, that usually meant the rare house that gave out full sized Snickers or KitKats. Though I also always like the ones that did something different even if lame in most kids minds…things like fresh apples or cool popcorn balls. Of course those were the things on my mothers “throw away” list and I never got to keep them. You know, because people could put razor blades in the apples or sprinkle anthrax on the popcorn balls…did any of that crap ever actually happen? Not the best training for a kid…”no, apples are bad throw them away” but “keep the candy”.

So here is our top 10 list of the most Awesomest Candy to give out on Halloween night. You only get one chance per year to make an impression so do it right!

10. zombie mints (mcphee.com)
Yes, they are just regular minds like every other mint you have ever had but they come in a freakin ZOMBIE TIN. I would have flipped out and never even considered toilet papering Mr. and Mrs. Hollendar’s house if they gave me zombie mints instead of candy corn…no, not a nice little pack of candy corn. Two single unwrapped pieces of candy corn! Lucky for them I offered a “T.P. cleanup service on the weekends and got paid $10 to help them out

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9. voodoo sucker (mcphee.com)
This would have been my pick for the candy I brought to class the next day after trick-or-treating. And when the teacher singled me out for “no eating candy in class” I would have bitten the voodoo suckers head off slowly while scowling at her. If she didn’t relent at that point I would just stab her in the neck with my headless sucker doll.

8. scorpion sucker (bugtoys.net)
These are just bad ass. They didn’t have these when I was a kid but I am absolutely sure I would have wanted them if they were around.

7. gummy maggots (mcphee.com)
They had gummy worms when I was a kid (though I still remember when they were “new”) and those were great. But they were silly fun and weren’t very “gross”. Now maggots gross me out. I actually heave a little just writing/sounding out the word maggots. Of all the insect world maggots are the nastiest to me and if you threw an handful of these into my trick-or-treat bucket when I was a kid I would have thew up on your doorstep and loved you at the same time. I want to share that with kids today. I gagged like 5 or six times just to write this paragraph for you so you better appreciate it!

6. zombie teeth candy/gum (funnybonestore.com)
Wax teeth were awesome! Those along with nik-l-nip wax bottles used to keep me entertained for days. Yes days! Not only were they fun to play with and eat/drink but when you were done you have some soft wax that you could chew on like gum but keep and play with like paydoh. Yeah, now that I think about it, it was pretty gross. These teeth are gum but they are freakin zombie teeth and you can’t tell me they don’t look good.

5. gross jelly beans (amazon.com)
aka Harry Potter Bertie Botts Jelly Beans
Ok jelly beans and “Harry Potter” may not make you think of Halloween, scary or gross but let me assure you the awesomely gross flavors make up for the unhalloweeness. These are awesome for practical jokes like leaving a small jar on your desk at work to teach a candy thief a lesson. Or to see how crazy your great grandma has really gotten…I mean if she doesn’t freak out after gumming a rotten egg flavored jelly bean after her sweet great grandson lovingly shares his candy then she is obviously loony. Some other great flavors: Earthworm, vomit, earwax, boogers, sardines and more. And they really are freakin gross! Buy a back and repackage them to hand out to unsuspecting kids for great laughs.

4. garlic mints (mcphee.com)
garlic and mints are usually only related because you need one to get rid of the other. Garlic breath + mints = good. Not on Halloween, though, when there are bound to be dozens of little vampires (some probably even with wax fangs!) running around wanting delicious candy. These would also make great practical joke material all year round. I’m starting to think I get Halloween and April Fools day a bit mixed up heheh.

3. black lung cigarette gum (funnybonestore.com)
When I was a kid they had cigarette gum. Except they tried to make them cool where they looked pretty real and if you blew into them powder would fly out imitating smoke. We would buy a pack of Kiss Trading Cards and a pack of Cigarettes Gum and think we were tough shit. At least now they market them with dignity and make them a little less cool (unless you are me then you think they kick even more ass with a cool ironic name brand). Give out candy and teach a lesson at the same time like a responsible adult should do!

2. larvettes – Cheddar Cheese Flavor (hotlix.com)
Ok. These aren’t “candy” exactly. But they would be awesome to hand out to unsuspecting kids. Besides maggots (bleuahh), meal worms are the grosses little worms I’ve come across. But I love cheese. So cheddar cheese flavored fried meal worms might be something I could stomach. But this isn’t about me, it’s about the kids. Think of the kids damn you!

1. molded jello brains (thinkgeek.com)
Again, not really a regular candy but definitely a desert. That’s a lie…jello SUCKS as a “desert” and I always knew my mother was screwing me pretending it was a good desert reward if I ate all my dinner. Pudding on the other hand was at least little better but didn’t hold a stick to ice cream with hardening shell chocolate topping. Sure, jello was a decent food but anything that can be made into a “salad” can not, by definition, be a desert. But then again, if my mom would have known enough to make me zombie brain jello I would have eaten every single crappy meal (sorry mom!) she ever made just to get the chance to dig my teeth into those brains! Sure, making 50 of these to hand out would suck but you would absolutely be the coolest house on the block forever! And you have to admit that it would be pretty cool to show up at the door when the kids showed up with a platter of brains and when they stood there in horror with their little bags open the glushy thud the jello brains would make at the bottom of their bad would be a treat in itself. If you don’t at least make this for your kids your flat out suck as a parent!